Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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