It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
