be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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