Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
