Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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