I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
