Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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