I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
