anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
