i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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