sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
