Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
