Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
