Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
