Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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