Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
