Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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