Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
