Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
