would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
