Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
