i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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