If i come over, it means nothing
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
