dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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