ya dads aren't the best wingmen
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
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Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
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Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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