I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
