Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
