I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
