I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
