you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
