honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
