I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
