I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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