I wish I could teleport
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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