that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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