I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
