im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
