went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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