eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
