I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
