Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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