Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
