I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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