did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
