I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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