How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
