you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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