I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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