my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
