i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
