I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
