you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
