I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
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I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
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Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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