Welp...herpes.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
