walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
