you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
