I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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