Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
