sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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