By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Acid is not a monday night drug
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
