I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
