i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
