Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
